Pony Tails in Paradise

And speaking of Killer whales... The folks at Sea World have had quite a time lately with their multi-million dollar "Believe" show. In case you have been under a rock, a couple weeks ago one of their star killer whales lived up to his name. Yes, in spite of our tendency to treat top predators like tiny kittens, sometimes we receive these not-so-gentle reminders as to why on earth we named our monochromatic "friends" so unflinchingly accurately in the first place. Who has not seen the Discovery Channel footage of orcas tossing baby seals back and forth like beach balls or dogging gray whale mothers until they can swoop in and take one delicious bite out of their baby because they can? So, yes, you can believe that the star of the show got a little out of hand at the after-show party the other day as he lived up to his real name as they hustled to get damage control on the hotline, NOW, and canceled that catchy pitch: "Be part of an up-close and unforgettable adventure!" As it was, unforgettable, indeed.
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But, hey, they named the big black and white guy Tilikum (even though they call them all Shamu in the show) and the largest orca in captivity was probably rebelling against that. "I just want to be called Bobby!" he whined as as his pals taunted and trainers unwittingly called to him - "Come here Tilly!" And even though this "incident" happened in Orlando they canceled all killer whale shows throughout the land because these things can spread like the bird flu after all. It could be a trend. And what was the official Sea World quote? "He lover her," said Chuck Tompkins, SeaWorld's zoological curator (not a typo, I could not make this stuff up) after Tilly grabbed his"lover's" pony tail (okay, so some eyewitnesses say arm, some say waist, but they were Brazilian, it was probably lost in translation...) as Dawn was rubbing him and telling him what a good job he did Tilly, good boy, anthropomorhism rearing its ugly head. Perhaps she rubbed him the wrong way? So much for positive reinforcement.
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"Pony tails: killer whales; ball of yarn: ___," is the new analogy question the SAT test-makers were busily jotting down as Tilly pulled his lover underwater to love her to death in front of an adoring audience, much like he and his pals had done to another trainer in Canada almost 20 years ago, eh? Only this time Tilly looked around with his big black flipper ready to high five but it was just, gulp, him... Woops. Now, everyone knows that pony tails are irresistible to orcas. And in perfect CYA form and blame-the-victim mentality, that same loverly guy is quoted as saying, "Dawn Brancheau Should Not Have Let Hair Dangle in Front of Whale." (I am willing to bet her wetsuit was tantalizingly too short as well.) Especially a whale that was not responding to directions and behaving like "an ornery child" that day as everyone was quick to attest after the fact in equally classic "I knew it," hindsight.
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Chuck, in his infinite wisdom, also said Tilly might have been playing, and we all know how killer whales like to play. "We have no idea what was going through his head," said Chuck, but I am sure with time and therapy they will get to the bottom of that. They weren't exactly a "perfect" couple after all, I mean, his brain was four times the size of hers and he outweighed her by about 11,900 pounds and was not even of the same genus, much less species, as I recall. (King Phillip Came Over From Greater Spain...) And even though this was the THIRD time he was found at the scene of a homicide, still, Sea World insists on saying, "Who knew?" As if. (In the last incident the naked corpse formerly known as Daniel was actually draped across Tilly's shoulders like a victory wreath while he swam around whistling innocently, "What? Okay, I bit him, but he was already dead!") "I always gets blamed for everything," Tilly whined. Now lest you think they are being too easy on the big guy, they did put him in isolation for a nanosecond. They canceled the show for a week while Tilly chilled with his killer whale family, all of whom have been made to shave off their pony tails - just in case.
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Denied a transfer to San Diego, the famous father of 13 spent his time off eating, stretching, and swimming lazily around with his homies, humming Pink's "Missundaztood" while dodging reporters and trying to ignore the hurtful headlines which insist on broadcasting his weight, a sensitive subject, like this one: "A veteran trainer, who loved whales, was killed by Tilikum, a 12,000 pound killer whale with a troubled past." Or how about this one - "Tilikum, who is an acknowledged member of the top predator species in the ocean, could face the death penalty via lethal injection for his actions." (No, I am not making any of this up either!) "Does anyone know a good lawyer?" Tilly moaned. Did you even know we have the death penalty for killer whales here in the land of the free and the brave? Where will they find a jury of his peers? Clearly, the other Sea World Shamus are biased. His new nickname? Killer, of course. And when, exactly, does your past become "troubled" - after the first, second, or third time you lover your lover? "Oh, wouldn't it be loverly?" Name that musical... "Sea World defends Serial Killer Whale." It is fairly troubling stuff. Poor Dawn, she should have stuck with sea turtles.
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K3